Yesterday I went to film my first ever IGTV video after wanting to film one for ages but never having the confidence to do so. I began to film, trying on the different looks, enjoying the process until I came to watching the clips back. There it was. Those thoughts. Those horrible thoughts about my body image.
I’ve always had those common thoughts that most women have when growing up about their bodies. Never feeling ‘good enough’ and always comparing themselves to others who look thinner.
I know I’ve never been overweight at any stage of my life nor do I think I actually look ‘fat’, not that there is anything wrong with that but that doesn’t mean I still don’t have days where I feel bigger and have a bad attitude towards how I look.
Whether it’s been triggered by something internal like bad thoughts about myself in general or external based off the media or something you’ve seen online.
I think this is sadly a common thing. People of any shape or size having these rubbish thoughts about ourselves and it is so sad because no one should ever feel like that. But sadly we do.
I also think sometimes people presume because you’re not classed as overweight so they don’t feel like you should feel this way or be seen to be ‘complaining’ but we’re all entitled to feel how we are feeling no matter how we look.
Over the past couple of years, I have been slowly putting on weight. I know that my stomach and thighs are a lot bigger than they used to be. As are my boobs and face especially my chin area.
On my most recent doctors, the nurse weighed me and told me my weight, which I hate knowing because it stays stuck in my mind so I’d rather not know. I don’t weigh myself at home. I can’t even remember the last time that I did but I know what I used to weigh back when I last did it.
I find myself comparing my current weight to what I used to weigh when I was at school which is just ridiculous as everyone’s weight fluctuates especially when they grow from being a teenager into an adult.
But I just count how much weight I’ve put on since leaving school and whilst I have to again say that I’m nowhere near overweight, I can’t help but sometimes feel like it brings me down a little.
I really have to remind myself that I am in such a different place to what I was when I was sixteen years old. I’m twenty-two now. I’ve gone from a teenager to an adult. I now eat three proper meals every single day and I snack now which is something I never used to do. I used to barely eat lunch when I was sixteen and rarely ever snacked.
My relationship with food has always been an up and down one because when my anxiety has been awful in the past, it can actually stop me from eating because I feel so sick and get so caught up in my sick fears that it’s hard for me to consume food.
Even years before then, when I went through childhood trauma as a child, I actually barely ate because I just couldn’t physically stomach anything.
But since that has improved massively and I eat way more now, so in some way’s it makes sense as to why I’ve put on weight because I’m actually eating proper meals and nourishing my body with food.
Although it can still be hard sometimes because of my mental health and also because of my stomach issues like IBS, sometimes I don’t fancy eating because I don’t feel good or I have to restrict what I eat because it can trigger off my IBS.
IBS can make eating a challenge in itself but being able to eat properly nowadays is truly so relieving and I actually enjoy food now which is something I never was really fussed about growing up. I never thought I’d be a foodie but I am slowly turning into one!
It is no wonder that I have put on weight over the past few years. I’m also a lot less active. I don’t barely do enough exercise and I’m not as active as what I was when I was a teenager where I was always out and about doing something.
I’m also on medication that can cause weight gain so again it’s no wonder that my body has gone through some changes over the years and I think this is totally normal to expect that I have put on weight over the years.
Yes, it is hard to ignore those thoughts and feelings that you feel bigger, your clothes don’t fit as well as they used to and the body looking back at you on your phone screen in a video clip or in the mirror isn’t what you remember, but I guess I’m just now on the journey of accepting how my body has changed over the years.
The reason behind the changes has helped me to enjoy food and eat proper nourishing meals that are going to fuel my body and keep me going. It’s helped me to get proper help for my physical and mental health. They’ve helped me to grow into an adult and not stay as a teenager.
I want to be more accepting of my body and continue to nourish it in the way that it deserves. I want to get back into exercising to get my body moving and improve my mental health as I know how beneficial it was to me last year when I kept up with it regularly. I want to continue to try more foods and have a more balanced diet, as well as look after my IBS.
I want to find more people who are similar to me. Short. Not just 5’3 short. But under 5’0 short. Who happen to be more on the curvy side but still have smaller parts to them if that makes sense. I feel like I don’t really follow or know anyone with a similar body image to me and I want to see more people like me appearing on my Instagram feed for example.
I feel like it would really help me to feel less alone and like I’m constantly comparing myself to all these average height girls with slim figures. Whilst there is nothing wrong with that and everyone is beautiful no matter what they look like, but I would love to just be able to relate to someone, you know?
I’ll probably always have bad thoughts about my body image. I guess I’m only human and it’s sadly only normal. But I know that right now I’m going through those stages of getting to know this new change within my body image, a change that others might not even notice on me, but one that I do and one that is completely up to me to treat with kindness.
Do you have a good relationship with your body image?