I need to be honest with you. Not because I’m living some kind of lie, but because I feel like I owe it to you to be open with what’s going on with me right now. I started this blog back in 2015 when I just finished studying fashion retail at college and I had no idea where to go next. I’d been reading blogs for a while before then and knew that I wanted a hobby that I could do until I figured out what I was going to do with my life.
Fast forward to March 2018 where I sit writing this post, feeling like I need to get these feelings and thoughts out of my head, down out in front of me and to be completely honest with you all. It wasn’t until the end of 2017 that I started to earn money from this blog and I thought ‘hey, you know what? Maybe I could go try make this a success, you know?’ The ambition and drive that I had been missing out on for nearly three years suddenly hit me, I really wanted to push myself with my blog and have blogging as my career.
Or so I thought.
The sad reality is blogging full time isn’t the dream I thought it would be. Sure it’s still early days, but early on I’ve already come across things that just don’t sit right with me and my mental wellbeing. Even if it was completely healthy mentally, I still don’t know how comfortable I would be with blogging full time as my career. There are so many things you don’t realise until you switch into business brain mode, it is so tough to actually do this as a full time job, not just a full time hobby like I had in my mind before.
I don’t like the loneliness that comes with working from home and blogging. Sure it has it perks of being in the comfort of your own home, being able to set your own boundaries and making your schedule adaptable, but not having that strict routine and having others around you to bounce off, can really make you feel the pressure and when you slack just once, it can feel like you’ve set yourself up to fail almost instantly.
There’s also the pressure of payments. You’re lucky if you get paid on time when you’re a blogger. Most invoices take several weeks to be paid and even then you’re always having to chase them up. I don’t like that uncertainty and when you don’t get paid a huge amount anyway, it can be crippling having to wait in order to be able to afford to live your life. It just plays even bigger into my anxiety and makes me feel so miserable when I can’t go out to do the things I want to do or treat myself or my loved ones to things.
I’ve also started to feel not good enough. Not good enough at taking photos, at my writing, not likeable and certainly not like I am taken seriously. I hate how I fall into the comparison trap all the time, but trying to work full time on my blog has driven me into a puddle of self doubt, that I am struggling to climb out of.
I never wanted it to be like this. I never wanted to hate blogging. But I find myself going through these stages where I feel so motivated and into it, where I’m so inspired and ready to make it a success, then only a matter of days or even a couple of weeks later, I’ll be back to square one of feeling crap about myself and wanting to quit it all.
I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way. I see it all the time on my timeline, bloggers who use to love blogging finding it hard to keep up with it, because the spark has just gone. I’ve even witnessed some bloggers quit and give up all together because they just can’t hack it anymore. I’d hate to have to quit, but I just feel like I can’t put myself through this any second longer.
For me I feel like blogging has just become a convinence. It has just become a habit and a chore almost to help me get through the day. I feel like if I continue to pursue something, I then might later regret it, because who know’s how much longer blogging is going to be around for? I could really miss out on an opportunity to study something I might end up loving much more.
Blogging doesn’t push me in the ways that I feel would benefit me the most. Instead it’s just driving me into a deep pit of self pity and doubt. I don’t want to feel that way about something I used to love doing so much.
After suffering so long with mental health issues, I try to avoid anything that I know will make me feel worse and I don’t mean avoiding my fears. I mean avoiding the types of things that will bring me down and make me feel worse, when it has taken me so long to start loving and caring for myself in the ways in which I deserve.
I don’t really know what the aim of this post is other than to get all my thoughts out and be honest with you all. I’m sorry if it’s come across really negative and ranty. I probably sound really ungrateful too, but I just needed to be honest with you all.
This doesn’t mean I am deleting my blog and getting away. But it’s just helping me to piece my thoughts together. Hell, maybe I wouldn’t even publish this post or I’ll probably end up deleting it. I just know that I need to stop ignoring my gut feeling. I need to figure out what I plan on doing next and stop letting blogging stop me from going after what I really actually need.
This isn’t the end, usual posts will resume on my blog like normal, but it certainly is the beginning of something else in a new chapter of my life.
So whilst blogging full time isn’t the dream I once thought it would be, I throw my hat off to anyone who can hack it. It takes a lot of hard work, determination and confidence to be able to do it.
But my hard work, determination and confidence is needed elsewhere.
For now blogging will just be my hobby.
And I thank you all for taking the time to support me, whether that’s on my blog or social media, every like, comment or share, I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. It has meant the world to me.